can't handle this

Shane and I were on a walk the other day, actually the day before Father's Day, and we got harassed. Like legitimately harassed. Ironically, we weren't holding hands and we weren't even showing any signs of affection. We were just walking and talking. We walked past these three drunken assholes fishing on the levies and as we passed they said "hello" and what not, but nothing other than that. Well as we returned we passed by them again and they look at both of us and made some comments about how, "they were father's" and kept mockingly wishing us a Happy Father's Day. We just smiled and kept walking, and then the yelled "faggots" as we kept walking.

Is it really necessary for anyone to make such comments?! I mean, one of the guys happened to be black, you didn't see us calling him a n$^%$ or any other derogatory name. I don't understand the hatred and ignorance people have in their minds. I just don't understand. I don't think we did ANYTHING to deserve to be harassed. And thank God it was only a little name-calling. I mean, there were three of them and us two homos. We didn't stand a chance if they came after us to physically attack us. That's scary! Sure, I wanted to say something back, but I was forced to bite my tongue. I don't feel I should have to though, I really don't. I hate ignorant bastards. And I hate the fact that I can do nothing about them.

awww :D

I swear, I have to think through EVERYTHING. I envy people that can just jump into any situation and be okay with their decision. I, on the other hand, jump into the situation, then think about it so much I begin to doubt my decisions. That's even if I jump in. Usually I talk myself out of it before I even take the chance. So all of you out there who are spontaneous, kudos to you and your risky ways. I envy you bastards.

I finally got a kiss from Shane (the guy i mentioned earlier), and I must say the extremely long wait made it so much better. I swear I have been waiting for this guy to make a move for weeks, finally I took things into my own hands. This is me being spontaneous. Except now that I have somewhat jumped into this situation, I have begun to rethink my decision. But that's besides the point, and I won't bore you with my irrational reasons for such thoughts. Because you all would probably want to slap me.

So this kiss was pretty cute. We were walking on the levies next to the river while the sprinklers were running. Our cars were parked down an embankment, so I had to create a route to the cars that would not render both of us soaked. So, being the clever guy I am, I decide we wait until the sprinkler passes us, then dart down the hill. Mind you, the grass is somewhat similar to a swamp considering the sprinklers have been running for a few hours. Well I dart down first (wear flip-flops) and Shane follows close behind. I make it to the bottom where my foot fatefully lands in a swampy mess and comes completely off of my foot. I stumble, but coolly collect myself. I assume I am safe from the water and look back to see if Shane were as lucky as I. As I look back I notice a huge stream of water heading straight toward me. I let out a girlish scream and dive out of it's way. It was pretty comical. I think I even did a roll. Anyway, in the end Shane and I are on the ground laughing histerically and then our eyes meet....

Then his phone rings. He looks at me and says, "Saved by the bell." What an asshole, so after he checks his phone, I grab him and kiss him. Umm, did I mention I was tired of waiting?! Well, we kissed for a little bit, people watched, it was great.

It was pretty picture perfect for a first kiss, I have to say. I am pretty good at picking good times eh? Anyway, I'll keep ya posted on this "romance," and where ever it may lead.

stuck on you

i came to a realization today, that really just makes me angry.

I'm not over my ex. I mean, I definitely don't have feelings for him anymore, but I'm still hurt. I still don't understand really what went so wrong. And I really don't understand what I did to make him hate me now. He was really the first real relationship I've been in since I came out, and it's just hard. I know I should move on, and just hold my head high knowing that someone better will come along. It's just tough to know that you weren't good enough. And it's not like we had the greatest relationship, since everything that went wrong was my fault. Irregardless, I having trouble just letting go and forgetting about him. I am still just so pissed and hurt. I thought I was okay, at least that's what I told myself, but for some reason I'm not.

It's just the fact that someone you care about, blatantly ignores you for two weeks and also attempts to cheat on you multiple times during your relationship. It's hard. How am I supposed to trust any man that I meet? I mean, this isn't the first time it's happened to me, being fucked over by guys. It seems that every guy I meet has fucked me over in some way.

None of this would have even occurred to me, had I not met this other guy. He seems great, and we talk a lot about everything. And this topic happened to come up in our conversation. And boom, all these emotions poured out of my mouth that I never thought I even had. It's just frustrating, and I'm tired of men, and tired of getting screwed over. I need someone who is looking for something with substance. Someone who will appreciate me. That's the goal.