can't handle this

Shane and I were on a walk the other day, actually the day before Father's Day, and we got harassed. Like legitimately harassed. Ironically, we weren't holding hands and we weren't even showing any signs of affection. We were just walking and talking. We walked past these three drunken assholes fishing on the levies and as we passed they said "hello" and what not, but nothing other than that. Well as we returned we passed by them again and they look at both of us and made some comments about how, "they were father's" and kept mockingly wishing us a Happy Father's Day. We just smiled and kept walking, and then the yelled "faggots" as we kept walking.

Is it really necessary for anyone to make such comments?! I mean, one of the guys happened to be black, you didn't see us calling him a n$^%$ or any other derogatory name. I don't understand the hatred and ignorance people have in their minds. I just don't understand. I don't think we did ANYTHING to deserve to be harassed. And thank God it was only a little name-calling. I mean, there were three of them and us two homos. We didn't stand a chance if they came after us to physically attack us. That's scary! Sure, I wanted to say something back, but I was forced to bite my tongue. I don't feel I should have to though, I really don't. I hate ignorant bastards. And I hate the fact that I can do nothing about them.

awww :D

I swear, I have to think through EVERYTHING. I envy people that can just jump into any situation and be okay with their decision. I, on the other hand, jump into the situation, then think about it so much I begin to doubt my decisions. That's even if I jump in. Usually I talk myself out of it before I even take the chance. So all of you out there who are spontaneous, kudos to you and your risky ways. I envy you bastards.

I finally got a kiss from Shane (the guy i mentioned earlier), and I must say the extremely long wait made it so much better. I swear I have been waiting for this guy to make a move for weeks, finally I took things into my own hands. This is me being spontaneous. Except now that I have somewhat jumped into this situation, I have begun to rethink my decision. But that's besides the point, and I won't bore you with my irrational reasons for such thoughts. Because you all would probably want to slap me.

So this kiss was pretty cute. We were walking on the levies next to the river while the sprinklers were running. Our cars were parked down an embankment, so I had to create a route to the cars that would not render both of us soaked. So, being the clever guy I am, I decide we wait until the sprinkler passes us, then dart down the hill. Mind you, the grass is somewhat similar to a swamp considering the sprinklers have been running for a few hours. Well I dart down first (wear flip-flops) and Shane follows close behind. I make it to the bottom where my foot fatefully lands in a swampy mess and comes completely off of my foot. I stumble, but coolly collect myself. I assume I am safe from the water and look back to see if Shane were as lucky as I. As I look back I notice a huge stream of water heading straight toward me. I let out a girlish scream and dive out of it's way. It was pretty comical. I think I even did a roll. Anyway, in the end Shane and I are on the ground laughing histerically and then our eyes meet....

Then his phone rings. He looks at me and says, "Saved by the bell." What an asshole, so after he checks his phone, I grab him and kiss him. Umm, did I mention I was tired of waiting?! Well, we kissed for a little bit, people watched, it was great.

It was pretty picture perfect for a first kiss, I have to say. I am pretty good at picking good times eh? Anyway, I'll keep ya posted on this "romance," and where ever it may lead.

stuck on you

i came to a realization today, that really just makes me angry.

I'm not over my ex. I mean, I definitely don't have feelings for him anymore, but I'm still hurt. I still don't understand really what went so wrong. And I really don't understand what I did to make him hate me now. He was really the first real relationship I've been in since I came out, and it's just hard. I know I should move on, and just hold my head high knowing that someone better will come along. It's just tough to know that you weren't good enough. And it's not like we had the greatest relationship, since everything that went wrong was my fault. Irregardless, I having trouble just letting go and forgetting about him. I am still just so pissed and hurt. I thought I was okay, at least that's what I told myself, but for some reason I'm not.

It's just the fact that someone you care about, blatantly ignores you for two weeks and also attempts to cheat on you multiple times during your relationship. It's hard. How am I supposed to trust any man that I meet? I mean, this isn't the first time it's happened to me, being fucked over by guys. It seems that every guy I meet has fucked me over in some way.

None of this would have even occurred to me, had I not met this other guy. He seems great, and we talk a lot about everything. And this topic happened to come up in our conversation. And boom, all these emotions poured out of my mouth that I never thought I even had. It's just frustrating, and I'm tired of men, and tired of getting screwed over. I need someone who is looking for something with substance. Someone who will appreciate me. That's the goal.

if murder were legal....

i would murder my step-father:

he and the rest of my family went on a boat trip up the Lochsa River. Since you have no idea what I am talking about, the Lochsa is located in Idaho and it is a pretty popular river for rafting and such because of the many rapids. My parents own a jet boat, and they just love going up-river through the rapids. Woo, how fun. I think I'd rather die. Well thankfully, someone brought a video camera along to tape the WHOLE event, so I could enjoy it from the comfort of my computer chair. (sarcasm) Not only was it enough my step-dad had to watch it once through (mind you, it's 2 hours long), but he watched it several times. Laughing at the same not-so-funny things that his hick friend Cody said on the tape. Just to give you an idea of the content of the tape: the guy narrated everything and constantly used the phrase "git 'er done." The guy is a genuine redneck.

Anyway, so after listening to this tape, he has the bright idea to edit the video. Now this is the beginning of hell for me. My step-father has 4 days off of work, then he goes back for 4 days. Well on this 4 days off he was supposed to finish the trim around our newly installed wood floors. Of course this didn't get accomplished because for 4 days he sat at the computer trying to edit his movie. Unfortunately, for me, he ran into MANY problems. First he couldn't edit it because it was the wrong format, so after hours of whining trying to get my attention, he asked me to help. So I helped him, and taught him how to change the format.

Let me digress for a second: this is how my step-dad acts. He complains really loudly, lets out loud sighs, and so on until someone asks him what's wrong. He doesn't dare just talk directly to the person. So imagine every time I neared the desk, he would exert some comment like "damn thing" or just simply sigh in frustration. Yes, as many of you probably agree, this is annoying. Most times, I ignore him and continue about my business.

After changing the format, he runs into another problem. The video editor installed on the computer will not open the file for some unknown reason. SO I manage to get another program for him to use. And then another problem arises, and another. Until he has exausted my patience and his own. In the end, his 4 days have passed; he managed to take measurements for the trim. He surely got nothing done with his movie either. Today, the minute he arrives home from work, he's at the computer. It's just outrageous! I am about to kill the man. It's to the point where I hide in my room with my music blaring hoping he'll just leave me alone. But of course I wouldn't be so lucky.

nervous

about the boy i mentioned before:

so, i'm a little nervous. i think that our friendship is starting to morph into something more, and i don't know what to think exactly. i like him, which is great, but there are so many things that make me hesitate. tomorrow we are watching a movie together, and i really want to try and make it as "friend-like" as possible. i want to kiss him so bad! he's so cute, and everything he says, and gets excited about, is just so adorable. makes me want to grab him and just make-out with him...but i'm scared.

i just don't know what i want to come out of this relationship. summer love? sounds nice on paper, but in all reality i get attached way to easily. i really don't want a repeat of my last relationship. it's too hard to live 100 miles away and still have a good relationship. not to mention i just simply do not have time to be serious about someone else right now. grrrr! why do i always have to be so thorough and think everything out. why can't i just dive into something, and just go with the flow?! i envy people who are capable of just letting go of all their inhibitions and jumping head-first into something.

irregardless, sparks are flying on both end, and before long i'm going to have to confront the situation. i can't avoid it much longer. if i do, i think he'll probably just end everything and i won't even have him as a friend. which is definitely not what i want. i guess i have a lot to think about, but if any of you want to provide some advice, it definitely wouldn't hurt.

conservatives ====>-----

i hate idaho, i hate ignorant conservatives, and most of all I HATE OLD PEOPLE.

so after coming out i considered myself pretty lucky because i never had to deal with the ignorant assholes that "disagree with my lifestyle" and think that i have chosen to be hated by literally millions of people. but now, i think i am starting to feel the repercussions. since i became openly gay, i haven't spent any time in my hometown, but i know that rumors have started as is commonplace in small towns in Hickville, Idaho. for the most part, all of my friends were very supportive and so helpful to me when i decided to come out. and to those of you out there reading this blog, thank you so much for that. i can't begin to thank all of you for the support and love. but i never quite realized those who weren't happy with my decision.

i was walking through the sorry excuse for a mall we have here, and i saw two girls whom i used to be rather close with. I waved and said hello, but all i got was an awkward stare and the cold shoulder. REALLY?! it just hurts me that someone i was actually friends with could do such a thing. i guess i should get used to the cold shoulder, but i don't want to! i don't think it's fair that someone should be able to judge me! because their christian life is more "respectable" than the life i lead?! I wish people would get off of their high horse, and realize that what i do in my personal life is MY business. GRR!

turns out i have lost more friends than i thought before, and originally i didn't really care. but it does hurt. i know that if they were true friends they would stick around, but it still bothers me. Like i said, i guess i should get used to it. and i'm sure there are plenty of other gay people who could relate to my situation, but i don't think it's fair. not at all.

next i'd like to talk about my grandpa and his girlfriend (on my mother's side). we recently went to visit them for my grandpa's birthday, and we took them out to dinner. well his girlfriend kept bugging me about my personal life. bombarding me with twenty questions. "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Are there any cute girls at GU?" "Isn't that waitress cute, you should get her number?" GOD DAMNIT WOMAN! had it not been my grandpa's birthday i would have screamed at the top of my lungs "I LIKE PENIS, BOYS, MEEEEN!!!!!" jesus. it just pisses me off that i have to sit there and answer all these questions respectfully when i just want to slap the woman and walk out of the restaurant. IM GAY! i don't want to hit on the waitress, i'd rather ask her where the pole is because her fucking make-up looked as if she were about ready to rip off her apron and perform a striptease. oh and i really love how my parents sit there and laugh at me while this woman bombards me with all of these questions. at least they could have said something, or tried to change the subject! grrrrrrr!

i'm fed up. just FED UP.

so there's this boy

summers here and love is blooming. i've never had a summer love, but i can't say that i wouldn't like to have one. there's something about summer that seems so romantic, and of course i'm the bumbling, idiotic, and hopeless romantic. i fall for anything that comes with cheesy pick-up lines and corny compliments. so here's the makings of my first summer love?....

i have been spending time with this guy lately. He's a little under 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, and athletic body. His style could use a little work, most days he wears a dark button-up with some blue jeans to match. But despite his somewhat blue-collar fashion sense, he is adorable. He wears dark wire-frame glasses and is somewhat of a nerd. Last night he spent a good 10 minutes telling me about his new "pimp" laptop. And yes, I couldn't help but heckle over his use of the word "pimp." Irregardless, he has sharp facial features and a very exciting personality. He is definitely a very attractive man. Oh, and he is 24 years old.

he got into town a little late last night, but he still wanted to hang out. so, we decided to meet at a park next to the river and walk along the levies overlooking the river, something we have done a few times in the past. he was slightly intoxicated and a little more open than his usual shy self. we spent about an hour walking until we found a bench to sit on. as we sat on the bench, i listened to him ramble on about something pointless, and then somehow we managed to make eye contact and both of us just stopped talking. it was definitely something out of the movies. after an awkward moment i looked away and let out a little giggle. i was giddy, i'll be the first to admit it. no matter how much i wanted to lean in for the kiss, i didn't want to kiss him while he was drunk and i was sober. after i looked away he kept asking me to look at him again, and i kept refusing him. when he asked why, i simply replied, "i can't, i just can't." he kept bugging me for a while but i held my ground and played dumb. finally he gave up and then out came the compliments. usually whispering little side notes like, "you look cute tonight" or "i really like when you wear glasses." i was definitely flattered, and i just returned his compliments and accepted those he gave me.

finally after hanging out for almost two hours i wrapped things up and decided it best i go home. i wanted that kiss so bad, but i just couldn't kiss him while i was sober. it just didn't seem right. not to mention, i don't know what i'm getting myself into. i don't know what i want right now, and i always like to think about the future. i can't help it though, he is just too cute to resist. and the next time we hang out, sober, i can't say i won't take that moment to kiss him.

so could this be the beginning of summer love?

gossip folks

Wow. People really enjoy spreading rumors. I was just informed that (insert my name here) quote, "likes to take it hard, but doesn't give." I can't believe people are so infatuated with my sex life, they are enticed to create rumors about it. I'm almost flattered and I don't really understand what exactly this accomplishes for their benefit. Does telling people about my sex life make them feel more masculine? Funny story, whatever they have to say, is not going to impress anyone. And I'm the one that is going to come out looking like a pimp, because, HEY, I get more action then their flaccid dicks could ever imagine. (Sorry, I'm not a slut, I promise)

I would also like to point out something to every ignorant male who may be telling people these rumors. I am friends with almost every "chick" that attends your high school, and you talking shit about me is definitely not going to make them happy. So maybe you should think before you say anything about my life. If you were intelligent, you would understand almost every girl has a gay best friend, so when you insult my lifestyle....your only making yourself look like an asshole.

Just think about that for a minute, eh?

Oh, Hollywood....

First, I'd like to start with Miley Cyrus. A lot has been circulating lately about her "nude" photos in Vanity Fair and also about her apparent love for the show "Sex and the City." So I would just like to point out that none of the things Miley has done are anything out of the ordinary for a 15 year old. I'm sure when most of you were that age, you took somewhat scandalous pictures with your friends. Not to mention many teenagers who have already experienced drugs and alcohol by that age. I realize that she is a role-model for children and should have thought these actions through, BUT I don't think she is the only one we can point the finger at. The girl has two loser parents, who are obviously basking in her limelight (considering Billy only experienced it for a day), were present at the photo shoot and obviously influenced which photos were deemed "okay." The poor girl is going to be turned into the next Britney Spears with all this media attention.



Paula Abdul, the crazy alcoholic, had another drunken bout on American Idol this week. She stumbled over a few words and seemed to forget where she was all together. Someone needs to sniff her Coca-Cola cup and see if she slipped some rum into it. While on the subject of American Idol, I would just like to say, "Thanks God Brooke White is gone!" The dumbass who previously restarted a song, did it once more on the result show!?! WTF? Bitch needs to learn to get it right the first time. And then she cries like an idiot when America kicks her off. Ohh, poor baby, shut up. And second, everyone vote for the cutie David Archuleta. :D



Speaking of my girl Britney Spears, she has managed to stay out of the media lately (unlike Miley). Thank God she is finally getting the help she needs. It appears she may be the new face for Bally Fitness. Let's just hope she can drop a few pounds before she does a commercial in a bikini. Rumor has it she is also receiving voice lessons. Let's hope all of this means a true comeback for the pop diva. I know, I'm ready for another "shitastic" VMA performance :D.

Rumers have also sparked that Lindsay Lohan may be working on a new studio album. Oh, I can't wait. This could be a great album, up there with the likes of Heidi Montag and Scarlett Johansson. What a great year for music! If you have not see Scar Jo's video, I suggest you all watch it below.



Amy Winehouse, the crazy crack whore, has been seen with numerous men lately and no one is quite sure who she is fucking. But she claims she is still loyal to her "Blake Incarcerated." Oh, give it up Amy, you know you blow any guy with a gram. I just hope she can pull it together for another album, possible "Back to Crack?" I guess, we'll just have to see. While surfing YouTube, I came across some great Amy footage on the show Buzzcocks, take a peek my friends.



Well, there's my two cents.

wanted

Everyone has the desire to feel wanted, and when you experience the feeling you definitely don't want it to end. As humans, I think we have a natural affinity towards the feeling, and it is almost impossible to live a happy life without, at some point in your life, being blessed with the experience.

Sadly, when your single, it appears only those you don't actually desire are the ones who "want" you. Maybe that is karma's way of saying, "you fucked up" or "better luck next time." I don't really know, but what I do know is despite your obvious disinterest in the other person, their wanting gives you a sense of self-worth. Because no matter how vile you may feel, there is that one person who thinks you are anyway. You may claim they are annoying or stalkers, but in reality you know you bask in the attention. It's human nature, and you can't deny what your instincts tell you. It's always nice to know someone on this Earth is dying for your touch...dying for your love. Unfortunately, this reassurance and comfort compromises that other person's self-esteem.

No matter what they do, or how hard they try, your feelings remain constant. You can toy with their emotions all you want, but in the end the result is always the same. Isn't that what we are taught to believe? Nice guys finish last. Hidden among these cliché words is the inevitable. The nice guys, the ones that actually care, are always the ones who lose in the end. Because no matter how hard that guy vies for your attention and love, you'll only give him the hook. You don't dare reel him in, because then you become vulnerable. Why submit yourself to such risks, when you can achieve the same emotions at a distance?

So you give him only enough attention to keep him hooked.

Everyone of us has played this silly little game, for the same selfish reasons.

suck my ^$#&

As much as any homosexual would like to say they are not into the "scene" and they aren't into drama, they lie...I may not enjoy being involved in the scene, but inevitably I am in it. I try my hardest to stay out of the drama, and just live my life. Yet somehow, I still get dragged in!

Take Bitchy-Homosexual #1:
I have never honestly spent more than 10 minutes hanging out with this "boy" and yet I have done something so horrible to him, warranting him the right to hate me. The only conversation I have every had with him was a brief "fight" over Britney Spears. I mean the b*tch thought he was a bigger fan, so, of course, I had to set him straight. Irregardless, I thought it was nothing personal. But I was SO wrong. Whenever we are in the same room, the tension is unbearable. I'm just waiting for him to come slit my throat in my sleep. I don't understand why he hates me, but I figure if he wants to play that game, I can play it ten times better. As you can see, I have been undoubtedly sucked into the scene.

Take Douche-Bag Homosexual #2:
I actually dated this one, and still don't know what I was thinking exactly. The whole time we were dating, I was always the one in trouble. Never in our extensive four month relationship was I EVER right. He figured since he paid for everything, his opinions trumped mine. Although he did pay for everything, you better believe I made my opinions heard. Anyway, we date for four months (long distance, BAD IDEA) and then before his birthday (thank God) he sends me an EMAIL to break-up with me. WHOAA!!!??? I am dead serious, an effin' email. Man up, and grow some balls? As if that wasn't douche-y enough, he told my friend today that I am drama....I'm sorry? Since when was me living in Spokane yet totally loyal to you (while you would have cheated in a heartbeat had your obsession not hated you) being "DRAMA." I'd like to know also, why I am to blame here when you were the one that needed time to "be yourself," yet you instantly message some guy the next day asking him out. Ha, been there, sexed that...(Oops, see first blog "Epiphany #1). So why don't you find a new book of break-up one-liner cliches and shove it up your colon.

This is the gay bullsh*t you deal with in this world, and I honestly am already tired. Please, some guy who is worth my time just walk in the door right now. Preferrably someone tall, blonde, a former boy band member, and who sexed my girl Britney. Justin if your out there, call me!

one of those days

So today, wasn't a very good day for me. I don't really know why, but I started thinking about my future and I got kind of scared. All of my life I've known I had to grow up someday, but no one told me it would come this fast. Well maybe someone did, but that doesn't matter, I didn't believe them. Now I feel my life is going by too fast!

I think everything that could possibly go wrong in my life popped into my mind today. What if I don't graduate college? What if I don't really want to be a psychology major? What if I never fall in love (sorry, random)? What if I become one of those fat homeless people no one wants to feed??!! I got really scared, for no apparent reason. I guess I feel like I've lost control of my life, more specifically I don't have endless oppurtunities anymore. No matter how much I want to be a free spirit, I have to choose ONE career for the REST of my life. That's intimidating! I mean, what on this earth could please me for the next 40 years of my life?! Why can't I just live in my mom's house? At least then I won't have to do my own laundry, cook my own meals, or work.

So maybe that's irrational. But damnit, I don't want to grow up. I want to go back to the days when the only thing I worried about was the number of friends I had on Myspace, or what Santa was going to bring me for Christmas! Despite how much I wanted to be an adult, I really wish I was still young. At least then I didn't have to worry about taxes or bills.

No matter how much I whine, I'm going to grow up. That's the fact I'm forced to accept, but I just wish it were easier. Somedays I wish I could see my future, so then I'd know where I'd be in 10 years, and know I don't need to worry because I'll be okay. On second thought, I wouldn't want to know when I die, because I don't do well with deadlines (oh pun!).

Well, "the show must go on."

UPDATE

Remember the love-sick guy I talked about earlier?

Well, I just received word via text that he is moving to Seattle to start fresh. I'm so incredibly relieved right now, I hope he is happy over there and finds someone. The best thing about this situation: I didn't have to be the asshole.

Best Wishes B.

WWIII?

Miley Cyrus a.k.a Hannah Montana a.k.a. Destiny Hope is developing an empire soon to trump Oprah Winfrey (a.k.a. Jesus Christ). Don't deny it, you know it's true. She has accumulated millions of prepubescent boys and girls as loyal followers and caused riots over her ticketsales. I'm afraid that this Miley-phoria might result in bloodshed. It's the loyal fans pitted against the haters, and not surprisingly the fans seem to have the upper-hand. I think her songs have a subliminal message which enable her to attain her many drones. The Hannahnites have formed a cult larger than any seen in history.

All jokes aside, I am continually amazed by the shear influence one 15 year old girl has on America. The not-so-great singer has produced two albums which made millions and she managed a sold-out tour of the U.S. For the longest time I couldn't understand what the hype was about, and honestly I didn't care to understand. Despite my efforts, I was sucked in and now I'm a fanatic.

What I find funny is that many people claim to hate her, but in secret you know they are watching her on Youtube or listening to her newest single "See You Again." I know, I was there...it's called denial. Take my friends for example, out of a group of 7 people, only 2 of us were fans. Only two days after "coming out" and professing my love for Miley we have managed to convert 2 more. It's inevitable! I have caught my Chinese friend humming the song, to which she replies, "well you guys sing it all the time, I still hate it!" I know this is a lie, and if I were to search her computer I know I would find a folder dedicated to Miley. Well, I'd probably find a lot of other incriminating material, but that's for another blog. The point is, Miley Cyrus will win, so just embrace it. I did, so should you.

Epiphany #1: Revenge....or not?

I have so much to learn about being gay, I can't even begin to describe to you the extent to my ignorance when it comes to the gay community, and its etiquette. So let me tell you about my latest discovery, because I find it rather comical and I'm sure whoever reads this can have a laugh at my expense.

So I was dumped in March by my boyfriend of a few months (yes, sad, i know), and of course I'm a bitch and thought I'd get my "revenge." A few weeks prior to the break-up I had received an email from a guy I knew my ex had a history with, (I wasn't sure what that history was, turns out they went on one date for an hour) and in this email he basically said we should hang out (as I have learned "hang out" means "sex" in gay). Well since my ex dumped me, I figured what the hell, and I end up "hanging out" with him. We have sex. Mind you, my ex is kind of obsessed with this man, and he has been emailing him for the past several months (yes, while we were together) telling him that he was in love with him. It was sweet revenge, but I'm a firm believer in karma, and I'm pretty sure this innocent hook-up gave me some bad karma.

I'm the asshole now. This poor guy that I used to get over my ex-boyfriend actually likes me. Don't ask me how or why, considering we had sex/hung out ONE time. But its true, I receive text messages and comments almost daily. I feel awful, but I can't help but think I'm innocent and helpless in this situation. I mean, coming into this gay scene as a newbie, I had no idea this would happen. I mean gay's are promiscuous by nature, right?! I figure I'd sex this boy up, then be on my way with a clear conscience and feeling relieved. Unfortunately, I was horribly wrong. Apparently there are gay men who actually like to be in relationships?! Hello?! When the fuck are you going to give me THAT memo? Karma is a bitch my friends, and I'm suffering the consequences.

Let me defend myself so I don't sound like a big slut. I am not promiscuous by any means, and NEVER randomly hook-up with guys. But the minute I decide to have a one-night stand I choose to sleep with the one guy who is emotionally insecure and desperately searching for love. I mean, I'm 18...how am I supposed to know? I say I'm the victim in this situation. Okay, that was a joke, but honestly, can you really blame me here? When I got the email from him, it was basically an invite to sex, so why is he haunting me?

And from this I gather "Gay Epiphany Numero Uno(Number One)". Although I once thought it only a fairy-tale told to little homos hopeful for a movie-like romance, apparently there ARE gay men who value a committed relationship. I just don't date them.

(P.S. The story of the hook-up is kind of funny, so I'll post that story in the near future.)