can't handle this

Shane and I were on a walk the other day, actually the day before Father's Day, and we got harassed. Like legitimately harassed. Ironically, we weren't holding hands and we weren't even showing any signs of affection. We were just walking and talking. We walked past these three drunken assholes fishing on the levies and as we passed they said "hello" and what not, but nothing other than that. Well as we returned we passed by them again and they look at both of us and made some comments about how, "they were father's" and kept mockingly wishing us a Happy Father's Day. We just smiled and kept walking, and then the yelled "faggots" as we kept walking.

Is it really necessary for anyone to make such comments?! I mean, one of the guys happened to be black, you didn't see us calling him a n$^%$ or any other derogatory name. I don't understand the hatred and ignorance people have in their minds. I just don't understand. I don't think we did ANYTHING to deserve to be harassed. And thank God it was only a little name-calling. I mean, there were three of them and us two homos. We didn't stand a chance if they came after us to physically attack us. That's scary! Sure, I wanted to say something back, but I was forced to bite my tongue. I don't feel I should have to though, I really don't. I hate ignorant bastards. And I hate the fact that I can do nothing about them.

awww :D

I swear, I have to think through EVERYTHING. I envy people that can just jump into any situation and be okay with their decision. I, on the other hand, jump into the situation, then think about it so much I begin to doubt my decisions. That's even if I jump in. Usually I talk myself out of it before I even take the chance. So all of you out there who are spontaneous, kudos to you and your risky ways. I envy you bastards.

I finally got a kiss from Shane (the guy i mentioned earlier), and I must say the extremely long wait made it so much better. I swear I have been waiting for this guy to make a move for weeks, finally I took things into my own hands. This is me being spontaneous. Except now that I have somewhat jumped into this situation, I have begun to rethink my decision. But that's besides the point, and I won't bore you with my irrational reasons for such thoughts. Because you all would probably want to slap me.

So this kiss was pretty cute. We were walking on the levies next to the river while the sprinklers were running. Our cars were parked down an embankment, so I had to create a route to the cars that would not render both of us soaked. So, being the clever guy I am, I decide we wait until the sprinkler passes us, then dart down the hill. Mind you, the grass is somewhat similar to a swamp considering the sprinklers have been running for a few hours. Well I dart down first (wear flip-flops) and Shane follows close behind. I make it to the bottom where my foot fatefully lands in a swampy mess and comes completely off of my foot. I stumble, but coolly collect myself. I assume I am safe from the water and look back to see if Shane were as lucky as I. As I look back I notice a huge stream of water heading straight toward me. I let out a girlish scream and dive out of it's way. It was pretty comical. I think I even did a roll. Anyway, in the end Shane and I are on the ground laughing histerically and then our eyes meet....

Then his phone rings. He looks at me and says, "Saved by the bell." What an asshole, so after he checks his phone, I grab him and kiss him. Umm, did I mention I was tired of waiting?! Well, we kissed for a little bit, people watched, it was great.

It was pretty picture perfect for a first kiss, I have to say. I am pretty good at picking good times eh? Anyway, I'll keep ya posted on this "romance," and where ever it may lead.

stuck on you

i came to a realization today, that really just makes me angry.

I'm not over my ex. I mean, I definitely don't have feelings for him anymore, but I'm still hurt. I still don't understand really what went so wrong. And I really don't understand what I did to make him hate me now. He was really the first real relationship I've been in since I came out, and it's just hard. I know I should move on, and just hold my head high knowing that someone better will come along. It's just tough to know that you weren't good enough. And it's not like we had the greatest relationship, since everything that went wrong was my fault. Irregardless, I having trouble just letting go and forgetting about him. I am still just so pissed and hurt. I thought I was okay, at least that's what I told myself, but for some reason I'm not.

It's just the fact that someone you care about, blatantly ignores you for two weeks and also attempts to cheat on you multiple times during your relationship. It's hard. How am I supposed to trust any man that I meet? I mean, this isn't the first time it's happened to me, being fucked over by guys. It seems that every guy I meet has fucked me over in some way.

None of this would have even occurred to me, had I not met this other guy. He seems great, and we talk a lot about everything. And this topic happened to come up in our conversation. And boom, all these emotions poured out of my mouth that I never thought I even had. It's just frustrating, and I'm tired of men, and tired of getting screwed over. I need someone who is looking for something with substance. Someone who will appreciate me. That's the goal.

if murder were legal....

i would murder my step-father:

he and the rest of my family went on a boat trip up the Lochsa River. Since you have no idea what I am talking about, the Lochsa is located in Idaho and it is a pretty popular river for rafting and such because of the many rapids. My parents own a jet boat, and they just love going up-river through the rapids. Woo, how fun. I think I'd rather die. Well thankfully, someone brought a video camera along to tape the WHOLE event, so I could enjoy it from the comfort of my computer chair. (sarcasm) Not only was it enough my step-dad had to watch it once through (mind you, it's 2 hours long), but he watched it several times. Laughing at the same not-so-funny things that his hick friend Cody said on the tape. Just to give you an idea of the content of the tape: the guy narrated everything and constantly used the phrase "git 'er done." The guy is a genuine redneck.

Anyway, so after listening to this tape, he has the bright idea to edit the video. Now this is the beginning of hell for me. My step-father has 4 days off of work, then he goes back for 4 days. Well on this 4 days off he was supposed to finish the trim around our newly installed wood floors. Of course this didn't get accomplished because for 4 days he sat at the computer trying to edit his movie. Unfortunately, for me, he ran into MANY problems. First he couldn't edit it because it was the wrong format, so after hours of whining trying to get my attention, he asked me to help. So I helped him, and taught him how to change the format.

Let me digress for a second: this is how my step-dad acts. He complains really loudly, lets out loud sighs, and so on until someone asks him what's wrong. He doesn't dare just talk directly to the person. So imagine every time I neared the desk, he would exert some comment like "damn thing" or just simply sigh in frustration. Yes, as many of you probably agree, this is annoying. Most times, I ignore him and continue about my business.

After changing the format, he runs into another problem. The video editor installed on the computer will not open the file for some unknown reason. SO I manage to get another program for him to use. And then another problem arises, and another. Until he has exausted my patience and his own. In the end, his 4 days have passed; he managed to take measurements for the trim. He surely got nothing done with his movie either. Today, the minute he arrives home from work, he's at the computer. It's just outrageous! I am about to kill the man. It's to the point where I hide in my room with my music blaring hoping he'll just leave me alone. But of course I wouldn't be so lucky.

nervous

about the boy i mentioned before:

so, i'm a little nervous. i think that our friendship is starting to morph into something more, and i don't know what to think exactly. i like him, which is great, but there are so many things that make me hesitate. tomorrow we are watching a movie together, and i really want to try and make it as "friend-like" as possible. i want to kiss him so bad! he's so cute, and everything he says, and gets excited about, is just so adorable. makes me want to grab him and just make-out with him...but i'm scared.

i just don't know what i want to come out of this relationship. summer love? sounds nice on paper, but in all reality i get attached way to easily. i really don't want a repeat of my last relationship. it's too hard to live 100 miles away and still have a good relationship. not to mention i just simply do not have time to be serious about someone else right now. grrrr! why do i always have to be so thorough and think everything out. why can't i just dive into something, and just go with the flow?! i envy people who are capable of just letting go of all their inhibitions and jumping head-first into something.

irregardless, sparks are flying on both end, and before long i'm going to have to confront the situation. i can't avoid it much longer. if i do, i think he'll probably just end everything and i won't even have him as a friend. which is definitely not what i want. i guess i have a lot to think about, but if any of you want to provide some advice, it definitely wouldn't hurt.

conservatives ====>-----

i hate idaho, i hate ignorant conservatives, and most of all I HATE OLD PEOPLE.

so after coming out i considered myself pretty lucky because i never had to deal with the ignorant assholes that "disagree with my lifestyle" and think that i have chosen to be hated by literally millions of people. but now, i think i am starting to feel the repercussions. since i became openly gay, i haven't spent any time in my hometown, but i know that rumors have started as is commonplace in small towns in Hickville, Idaho. for the most part, all of my friends were very supportive and so helpful to me when i decided to come out. and to those of you out there reading this blog, thank you so much for that. i can't begin to thank all of you for the support and love. but i never quite realized those who weren't happy with my decision.

i was walking through the sorry excuse for a mall we have here, and i saw two girls whom i used to be rather close with. I waved and said hello, but all i got was an awkward stare and the cold shoulder. REALLY?! it just hurts me that someone i was actually friends with could do such a thing. i guess i should get used to the cold shoulder, but i don't want to! i don't think it's fair that someone should be able to judge me! because their christian life is more "respectable" than the life i lead?! I wish people would get off of their high horse, and realize that what i do in my personal life is MY business. GRR!

turns out i have lost more friends than i thought before, and originally i didn't really care. but it does hurt. i know that if they were true friends they would stick around, but it still bothers me. Like i said, i guess i should get used to it. and i'm sure there are plenty of other gay people who could relate to my situation, but i don't think it's fair. not at all.

next i'd like to talk about my grandpa and his girlfriend (on my mother's side). we recently went to visit them for my grandpa's birthday, and we took them out to dinner. well his girlfriend kept bugging me about my personal life. bombarding me with twenty questions. "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Are there any cute girls at GU?" "Isn't that waitress cute, you should get her number?" GOD DAMNIT WOMAN! had it not been my grandpa's birthday i would have screamed at the top of my lungs "I LIKE PENIS, BOYS, MEEEEN!!!!!" jesus. it just pisses me off that i have to sit there and answer all these questions respectfully when i just want to slap the woman and walk out of the restaurant. IM GAY! i don't want to hit on the waitress, i'd rather ask her where the pole is because her fucking make-up looked as if she were about ready to rip off her apron and perform a striptease. oh and i really love how my parents sit there and laugh at me while this woman bombards me with all of these questions. at least they could have said something, or tried to change the subject! grrrrrrr!

i'm fed up. just FED UP.

so there's this boy

summers here and love is blooming. i've never had a summer love, but i can't say that i wouldn't like to have one. there's something about summer that seems so romantic, and of course i'm the bumbling, idiotic, and hopeless romantic. i fall for anything that comes with cheesy pick-up lines and corny compliments. so here's the makings of my first summer love?....

i have been spending time with this guy lately. He's a little under 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, and athletic body. His style could use a little work, most days he wears a dark button-up with some blue jeans to match. But despite his somewhat blue-collar fashion sense, he is adorable. He wears dark wire-frame glasses and is somewhat of a nerd. Last night he spent a good 10 minutes telling me about his new "pimp" laptop. And yes, I couldn't help but heckle over his use of the word "pimp." Irregardless, he has sharp facial features and a very exciting personality. He is definitely a very attractive man. Oh, and he is 24 years old.

he got into town a little late last night, but he still wanted to hang out. so, we decided to meet at a park next to the river and walk along the levies overlooking the river, something we have done a few times in the past. he was slightly intoxicated and a little more open than his usual shy self. we spent about an hour walking until we found a bench to sit on. as we sat on the bench, i listened to him ramble on about something pointless, and then somehow we managed to make eye contact and both of us just stopped talking. it was definitely something out of the movies. after an awkward moment i looked away and let out a little giggle. i was giddy, i'll be the first to admit it. no matter how much i wanted to lean in for the kiss, i didn't want to kiss him while he was drunk and i was sober. after i looked away he kept asking me to look at him again, and i kept refusing him. when he asked why, i simply replied, "i can't, i just can't." he kept bugging me for a while but i held my ground and played dumb. finally he gave up and then out came the compliments. usually whispering little side notes like, "you look cute tonight" or "i really like when you wear glasses." i was definitely flattered, and i just returned his compliments and accepted those he gave me.

finally after hanging out for almost two hours i wrapped things up and decided it best i go home. i wanted that kiss so bad, but i just couldn't kiss him while i was sober. it just didn't seem right. not to mention, i don't know what i'm getting myself into. i don't know what i want right now, and i always like to think about the future. i can't help it though, he is just too cute to resist. and the next time we hang out, sober, i can't say i won't take that moment to kiss him.

so could this be the beginning of summer love?