wanted

Everyone has the desire to feel wanted, and when you experience the feeling you definitely don't want it to end. As humans, I think we have a natural affinity towards the feeling, and it is almost impossible to live a happy life without, at some point in your life, being blessed with the experience.

Sadly, when your single, it appears only those you don't actually desire are the ones who "want" you. Maybe that is karma's way of saying, "you fucked up" or "better luck next time." I don't really know, but what I do know is despite your obvious disinterest in the other person, their wanting gives you a sense of self-worth. Because no matter how vile you may feel, there is that one person who thinks you are anyway. You may claim they are annoying or stalkers, but in reality you know you bask in the attention. It's human nature, and you can't deny what your instincts tell you. It's always nice to know someone on this Earth is dying for your touch...dying for your love. Unfortunately, this reassurance and comfort compromises that other person's self-esteem.

No matter what they do, or how hard they try, your feelings remain constant. You can toy with their emotions all you want, but in the end the result is always the same. Isn't that what we are taught to believe? Nice guys finish last. Hidden among these cliché words is the inevitable. The nice guys, the ones that actually care, are always the ones who lose in the end. Because no matter how hard that guy vies for your attention and love, you'll only give him the hook. You don't dare reel him in, because then you become vulnerable. Why submit yourself to such risks, when you can achieve the same emotions at a distance?

So you give him only enough attention to keep him hooked.

Everyone of us has played this silly little game, for the same selfish reasons.

suck my ^$#&

As much as any homosexual would like to say they are not into the "scene" and they aren't into drama, they lie...I may not enjoy being involved in the scene, but inevitably I am in it. I try my hardest to stay out of the drama, and just live my life. Yet somehow, I still get dragged in!

Take Bitchy-Homosexual #1:
I have never honestly spent more than 10 minutes hanging out with this "boy" and yet I have done something so horrible to him, warranting him the right to hate me. The only conversation I have every had with him was a brief "fight" over Britney Spears. I mean the b*tch thought he was a bigger fan, so, of course, I had to set him straight. Irregardless, I thought it was nothing personal. But I was SO wrong. Whenever we are in the same room, the tension is unbearable. I'm just waiting for him to come slit my throat in my sleep. I don't understand why he hates me, but I figure if he wants to play that game, I can play it ten times better. As you can see, I have been undoubtedly sucked into the scene.

Take Douche-Bag Homosexual #2:
I actually dated this one, and still don't know what I was thinking exactly. The whole time we were dating, I was always the one in trouble. Never in our extensive four month relationship was I EVER right. He figured since he paid for everything, his opinions trumped mine. Although he did pay for everything, you better believe I made my opinions heard. Anyway, we date for four months (long distance, BAD IDEA) and then before his birthday (thank God) he sends me an EMAIL to break-up with me. WHOAA!!!??? I am dead serious, an effin' email. Man up, and grow some balls? As if that wasn't douche-y enough, he told my friend today that I am drama....I'm sorry? Since when was me living in Spokane yet totally loyal to you (while you would have cheated in a heartbeat had your obsession not hated you) being "DRAMA." I'd like to know also, why I am to blame here when you were the one that needed time to "be yourself," yet you instantly message some guy the next day asking him out. Ha, been there, sexed that...(Oops, see first blog "Epiphany #1). So why don't you find a new book of break-up one-liner cliches and shove it up your colon.

This is the gay bullsh*t you deal with in this world, and I honestly am already tired. Please, some guy who is worth my time just walk in the door right now. Preferrably someone tall, blonde, a former boy band member, and who sexed my girl Britney. Justin if your out there, call me!

one of those days

So today, wasn't a very good day for me. I don't really know why, but I started thinking about my future and I got kind of scared. All of my life I've known I had to grow up someday, but no one told me it would come this fast. Well maybe someone did, but that doesn't matter, I didn't believe them. Now I feel my life is going by too fast!

I think everything that could possibly go wrong in my life popped into my mind today. What if I don't graduate college? What if I don't really want to be a psychology major? What if I never fall in love (sorry, random)? What if I become one of those fat homeless people no one wants to feed??!! I got really scared, for no apparent reason. I guess I feel like I've lost control of my life, more specifically I don't have endless oppurtunities anymore. No matter how much I want to be a free spirit, I have to choose ONE career for the REST of my life. That's intimidating! I mean, what on this earth could please me for the next 40 years of my life?! Why can't I just live in my mom's house? At least then I won't have to do my own laundry, cook my own meals, or work.

So maybe that's irrational. But damnit, I don't want to grow up. I want to go back to the days when the only thing I worried about was the number of friends I had on Myspace, or what Santa was going to bring me for Christmas! Despite how much I wanted to be an adult, I really wish I was still young. At least then I didn't have to worry about taxes or bills.

No matter how much I whine, I'm going to grow up. That's the fact I'm forced to accept, but I just wish it were easier. Somedays I wish I could see my future, so then I'd know where I'd be in 10 years, and know I don't need to worry because I'll be okay. On second thought, I wouldn't want to know when I die, because I don't do well with deadlines (oh pun!).

Well, "the show must go on."

UPDATE

Remember the love-sick guy I talked about earlier?

Well, I just received word via text that he is moving to Seattle to start fresh. I'm so incredibly relieved right now, I hope he is happy over there and finds someone. The best thing about this situation: I didn't have to be the asshole.

Best Wishes B.

WWIII?

Miley Cyrus a.k.a Hannah Montana a.k.a. Destiny Hope is developing an empire soon to trump Oprah Winfrey (a.k.a. Jesus Christ). Don't deny it, you know it's true. She has accumulated millions of prepubescent boys and girls as loyal followers and caused riots over her ticketsales. I'm afraid that this Miley-phoria might result in bloodshed. It's the loyal fans pitted against the haters, and not surprisingly the fans seem to have the upper-hand. I think her songs have a subliminal message which enable her to attain her many drones. The Hannahnites have formed a cult larger than any seen in history.

All jokes aside, I am continually amazed by the shear influence one 15 year old girl has on America. The not-so-great singer has produced two albums which made millions and she managed a sold-out tour of the U.S. For the longest time I couldn't understand what the hype was about, and honestly I didn't care to understand. Despite my efforts, I was sucked in and now I'm a fanatic.

What I find funny is that many people claim to hate her, but in secret you know they are watching her on Youtube or listening to her newest single "See You Again." I know, I was there...it's called denial. Take my friends for example, out of a group of 7 people, only 2 of us were fans. Only two days after "coming out" and professing my love for Miley we have managed to convert 2 more. It's inevitable! I have caught my Chinese friend humming the song, to which she replies, "well you guys sing it all the time, I still hate it!" I know this is a lie, and if I were to search her computer I know I would find a folder dedicated to Miley. Well, I'd probably find a lot of other incriminating material, but that's for another blog. The point is, Miley Cyrus will win, so just embrace it. I did, so should you.

Epiphany #1: Revenge....or not?

I have so much to learn about being gay, I can't even begin to describe to you the extent to my ignorance when it comes to the gay community, and its etiquette. So let me tell you about my latest discovery, because I find it rather comical and I'm sure whoever reads this can have a laugh at my expense.

So I was dumped in March by my boyfriend of a few months (yes, sad, i know), and of course I'm a bitch and thought I'd get my "revenge." A few weeks prior to the break-up I had received an email from a guy I knew my ex had a history with, (I wasn't sure what that history was, turns out they went on one date for an hour) and in this email he basically said we should hang out (as I have learned "hang out" means "sex" in gay). Well since my ex dumped me, I figured what the hell, and I end up "hanging out" with him. We have sex. Mind you, my ex is kind of obsessed with this man, and he has been emailing him for the past several months (yes, while we were together) telling him that he was in love with him. It was sweet revenge, but I'm a firm believer in karma, and I'm pretty sure this innocent hook-up gave me some bad karma.

I'm the asshole now. This poor guy that I used to get over my ex-boyfriend actually likes me. Don't ask me how or why, considering we had sex/hung out ONE time. But its true, I receive text messages and comments almost daily. I feel awful, but I can't help but think I'm innocent and helpless in this situation. I mean, coming into this gay scene as a newbie, I had no idea this would happen. I mean gay's are promiscuous by nature, right?! I figure I'd sex this boy up, then be on my way with a clear conscience and feeling relieved. Unfortunately, I was horribly wrong. Apparently there are gay men who actually like to be in relationships?! Hello?! When the fuck are you going to give me THAT memo? Karma is a bitch my friends, and I'm suffering the consequences.

Let me defend myself so I don't sound like a big slut. I am not promiscuous by any means, and NEVER randomly hook-up with guys. But the minute I decide to have a one-night stand I choose to sleep with the one guy who is emotionally insecure and desperately searching for love. I mean, I'm 18...how am I supposed to know? I say I'm the victim in this situation. Okay, that was a joke, but honestly, can you really blame me here? When I got the email from him, it was basically an invite to sex, so why is he haunting me?

And from this I gather "Gay Epiphany Numero Uno(Number One)". Although I once thought it only a fairy-tale told to little homos hopeful for a movie-like romance, apparently there ARE gay men who value a committed relationship. I just don't date them.

(P.S. The story of the hook-up is kind of funny, so I'll post that story in the near future.)